$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
