I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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