we have pet lesbian snakes
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
