Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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