I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
