I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
me + whiskey = a bad person
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
