Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize