well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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