I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
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