Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize