if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
