im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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