hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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