I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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