i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
