Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
