John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
