I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
