there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
