i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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