remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
