I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I can't turn off my feet"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
