hotel room ftw
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
