Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
