last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
