Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I feel like a drive thru vagina
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
