Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize