So drunk its hurt
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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