oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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