guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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