its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize