I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
soo... how was my night?
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