We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
