it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
The police scanner is talking about you again....
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
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