I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
my penis made a compromise with my morals
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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