i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
