I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
my sisters under your porch take her home
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
