I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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