its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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