Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize