Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
