just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
