You smell like stripper and shame
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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