Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
