I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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