I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
high people should be assigned attendants
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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