Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize