peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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