What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
