Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
