The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
