i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
