Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
