I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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