Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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