allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
