Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
