Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
