so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
